| Important. |
[18 Oct 2003|01:16am] |
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mood |
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 touched |
] |
Something important. Very important.
Those of you that do not know, I have had a lover named Lucreito for the past 2 years. He is Sarah's creation, and Jolyn and Sarah used to be very close. They are distant now, just as Sarah is distant from Kayla. Donnath can get a new lover, and things are alright, but me... I am as monogomous as they come. I refuse to ever be in a relationship with more than one person.
The feelings began a while ago, but I suppressed them.
They tried to surface, but I kept telling myself "he still loves me does't he? doesn't he?" and maybe he does. But Lucreito - I do not love you like that anymore.
You made me who I am today, this vampire. I thank you for that. I do.
Sarah christened me the Sin of Wrath, but now I am a Sin of Wrath in Jolyn's world - not in that same world. Go ahead and choose someone new to be your Sin Sarah, I exist in a different plane now, and I feel separated from yours. I will remain if you wish, but it is different now.
Tonight....... tonight I finally let my feelings surface. It happened by itself, the feelings just came. Wyrm... he hurt me so much. It was unbearable, and it snapped something in my mind. Love... what is love... what is love but pain.
And that's why, that's why he and I are good for each other - Deimos and I.
He saved me, he risked his life to invade Wyrm's world and rescue me, and he healed me, he licked clean my wounds. Most self inflicted as I tried to claw out my eyes and ears from the horrors Wyrm inflicted on my mind.
I relived everything horrible in my life, a billion times over.
But then.
He got me out. See this Wyrm? I don't want you. I want Deimos.
I feel horrible inside, but also... I feel rejeuvinated.
The world is changing now.
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| ..... |
[26 Sep 2003|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nine inch nails - the beauty of being numb |
] |
i'm sorry delu, you did not deserve that from me. you get it enough from yourself.
...and i appologize to you sariyah. for now anyway. both of you whine, complain and self pity too much.
my temper can send me into rages i do not mean.
...i hope cassiel will return soon.
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| funny. |
[25 Sep 2003|04:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ripping flesh |
] |
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
bleedmotherfuckers.bleed.
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| FUCK YOU. |
[22 Sep 2003|11:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 infuriated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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thunder |
] |
*Screeches and flares his wings, thunder crackling and lightning flashing the sky above* I. HATE. YOU. EDALL. INIGO. I HATE YOU BOTH. SO. FUCKING. MUCH.
I cannot WAIT until the day I get my talons around both of your fucking throats! I will rip out both of your vocal chords and hang you by them, while I fuck you roughly with a blunt metal object so that it protrudes from your ass all the way out your THROAT. You sick FUCKERS. I hate you BOTH.
Pity is not at play here. No emotion is at play here. I hate you both for how you are, for how you are to him, Cassiel, one of my best friends.
And if you EVER. EVER lay a fucking claw on him again I will rip both of your heads from your bodies.
And I will devour your flesh while you writhe and scream feeling your bodies become MINE.
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| but i'm breathing so i guess i'm still alive |
[20 Sep 2003|01:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
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touched |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tool - prison sex |
] |
tonight was interesting.
i got to visit with deimos again. he terrifies yet entrances me everytime i see him. i visited him in his world, where i temporarily had the powers of a god. amazing feeling, amazing sensation. and i found myself so speechless as he showed me what the god of physical pain can do... one movement of his hands over his arm and the areas where my scars are were on him, open and bleeding, and i could see his veins beat with his heart, and i could see his muscles tense and relax. amazing.
i wish i had such abilities.
he is too kind to me, and he keeps wyrm from me. i do not understand why he cares of me.
i spoke with chin later that evening. she worries for me, and i worry for her so i believe it works mutually. i am glad to know that she is doing alright, and she takes such care of me, always worrying on how i am. you are too wonderful to me, puppy.
enrage was very ill a few days ago. devon touched his face and his paw pads were burnt. i touched him and let my skin burn to the bone. i am glad to know he is doing well. even if we have had our differences...
and cassiel. oh cassiel i adore you so, and i worry for you and i... in my own... way.. i love you. i do. don't let edall lay a fucking finger on you again, or i will rip those fingers from their sockets. *hisses* be strong, sin of spite, my thoughts are with you always. jolyn doodled you today, though it is just in her notes for precalculus, i will get her to draw you something better very soon.
i miss you lucreito.
but you never read this so you wouldn't know that.
i love you still.
and i am still so dirty. but my friends give me some temporary sanity from my world in my mind. recent events have triggered memories of my father. and therefore of my mother, sister and brother. sometimes i feel remorse for what i did to them - then i remember what he did to me. and i remember: no one is innocent, and i realize i would do it over again, and kill opiate and my bastard father too given the opportunity.
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| ....so weak and powerless... |
[18 Sep 2003|12:19am] |
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mood |
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 dirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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a perfect circle - weak and powerless |
] |
this happened over a week ago.
i have kept it silent.
i did not want to admit it, not to any of you... but mostly... not to myself.
i knew it would happen. i've known it would for a while now, i was just hoping that if i didn't think about it, it would go away.
he caught me.
he bound me.
he beat me.
he hurt me.
he mocked me.
he fucked me.
....wyrm. wyrm did. paula's wyrm. i do not hate paula for it, for he is as much a DISEASE to her as he is to me.
why me? why was i the object of his lust?
he is such a sick bastard.
and i was so powerless against him. unable to do anything against him, for he knew my weaknesses. and wyrm is the physical embodiment of corruption... he is a god. and i am a sin. i am not able to stand up to him.
that is why i am so happy to have my new good friend, deimos. he is also paula's. the god of physical pain. he has some power over wyrm, and for some reason he sees me as a friend... deimos does. so i feel a bit safer than i did before.
it hurts. so much. my body hurts. i have fresh scars, when i thought i would never be able to receive any again, since i am undead. i feel so dirty. disgusting. weak. powerless. i told lucreito today, and i sobbed and clutched to him like a fledgling to its mother. he held me and whispered things to me, things that i needed so desperately to hear. he told me that it was not my fault, that i am not weak. but i know inside that i am. i do not know what i would do without you lucreito. you are what binds me to reality.
i am thankful for the friends i have.
but i ask you please, do not give me pity.
it was my weakness that caused this. and your pity will only make it sting that much more.
i have not bled this much in so long.
and in my sorrow and bloodshed, i have made another new friend. kaelin... a lovely unicorn, of aya. he is a kind, empathic soul.
enrage.... enrage i am so glad you are alright. we have had our differences, but when i saw you on the verge of death in that tub of ice, my heart wept. i do not know if you remember, but i put my hands on your face, letting your boiling flesh burn me to the bone. and i stared into your distant eyes... and hoped that somehow you would find your way back.
and i am glad you did.
as is devon. we were both so worried about you.
he cried all night in his worry.
you are still one of his best friends. and when one of his best friends nears death... it hurts him so.
and it hurts me to.
our thoughts are with you.
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| ....little girl. |
[04 Sep 2003|12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 irritated |
] |
i do not wish you dead.
i do not wish anything upon you, silverwing.
but your torment brings me delight, for the years of suffering you have put me through.
but even through that.
even through this.
even through it all, i love you.
...i won't let you drown.
as much as i wish i could.
because your death means mine, and you know how i crave it.
but sometimes.... you have to push aside your own needs.
to help another.
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| it's time to die a little give it up. |
[03 Sep 2003|09:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tool - part of me |
] |
ah. life is grand.
shake little girl. shake. feel the adrenaline and hurt. cringe as i drag my claws through your flesh. vomit as you feel your stomach twist.
you amuse me so.
you pathetic little loser.
i haven't felt this good in a really long time. it's about time you fell again. this time i'm not helping you out.
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| everything's been said before |
[27 Aug 2003|01:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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marilyn manson - this is the new shit |
] |
generally i am only awake at night, since the vampire part of me despises sunlight of any kind. being part dragon allows me mininal exposure to sunlight for limited times, but i prefer the darkness anyway. so, i awoke and immediately felt the pang of hunger. i have not fed for a few days, so i took to the air and flew about the city, watching, cloaked in my black clothing, and i found a victim and devoured her. sometimes i love tearing apart females, because most of the ones i meet disgust me so, not all, but most.
the other day i went to genisis's cathedral. i must admit i was awed. she is an amazing creature, very admirable and unique. i enjoyed having her here, and enjoyed visiting her. hopefully we will keep in touch.
i try to embrace the friendships thrown my way, but as they are the constant nagging in the back of my head is there... telling me, laughing at me, that when i next lose control of my hold on myself they may be the one to go.
but i try to hope that day never comes.
though i know it inevitably will.
he is never here anymore.
nothing.
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| numb again |
[18 Aug 2003|12:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
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numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tool - h |
] |
we flew to dallas, the flight there was exciting. the others were curled up in the storage area, scared and lifeless like always. donnath cursing about being airsick and being the general dumbfuck he is, triad whimpering and scared of being confined and off of something natural, neema passed out from being hung over, delu cowering in a corner like the terrified little worthless child she is, marilyn asleep just flowing with everything... then devon. devon wanted to "see" the plane. so, i took him into my arms and we sat on top of the plane. my talons dug into the metal, my wings tucked tightly in. he was so happy, smiling, laughing, taking it all in.
it was such a rush of sensations.
such innocence he is.
i envy him.
but i hate him for it.
because i know one day it will all fall apart, and i do not want to see him when it does.
now we are back and jolyn is bitching. whining, crying, being the stupid bitch she is. i wish she would just shut up, because it's getting rather annoying. then again, i can't help but pity her to an extent - leaving the one thing that makes you feel real.
emptiness is something we're all too used to.
i have not seen anyone but the main ones here for the longest time.
part of me longs for contact.
part of me is glad it is gone.
i just know... one day.... when one of you that i consider a friend is near me... my sanity will slip and i'll end up hurting you.
which terrifies me.
i don't want to end up ruining the very few good things that come to me.
but i guess that's a risk i will have to take.
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